Wednesday, August 4, 2022
“Earth Day is every day.”
Mother Nature
Mother Nature sat down for a rare one-on-one interview with her SpokesHuman, Jack Goldenberg.
Goldenberg: I know you’re busy. Thanks for the interview. May I call you Mother Nature?
Mother Nature: You can call me Mother Nature. Or Mother Earth. Or call me Gaia. Just don’t call me late for the cataclysmic destruction of the planet!
Goldenberg: (Laughs) I never knew Mother Nature had a sense of humor.
Mother Nature: Really? Have you ever seen a Blobfish?
Goldenberg: That’s one ugly creature.
Mother Nature: Yeah, well I think what humans have done to Earth is ugly. You guys continue to destroy the joint. It’s wearing me down.
Goldenberg: You do look a little tired.
Mother Nature: No wonder. My air’s polluted. My oceans are bloated. I have terrible hot spells. And I think I’m losing my species.
Goldenberg: Sounds like you’re going through “The Change.”
Mother Nature: Yup. Climate change. I’m sure you’ve heard of it.
Goldenberg: Everybody’s heard of it.
Mother Nature: (ANGRY) But humans aren’t doing a damn thing about it. At least, not enough to make a difference!
Mother Nature: The dolphins said I was making a mistake making humans the dominant life form!
Goldenberg: Wait, sometimes you get advice from dolphins?
Mother Nature: Sometimes. I consult with all life forms. Everything on this planet has a purpose. That’s the way I designed it.
Goldenberg: It must be a terrible burden.
Mother Nature: It keeps me busy.
Goldenberg: Do you ever relax?
Mother Nature: Sure. I make myself some green tea. Light a doobie. And listen to music.
Goldenberg: Music? Like what.
Mother Nature: My favorite group now is Gangstagrass. Their music’s a cross between bluegrass and hip hop. And when they’re on the road touring, they lead incredibly sustainable lives.
Goldenberg: It’s tough be live sustainably when you’re on tour.
Mother Nature: I know. They even wrote a song about how the planet’s going to face huge droughts. It’s called Ran Dry. I love the lyrics.
Mother Nature starts singing Ran Dry…
Mother Nature: Ran down to the river
But the river ran dry
Lord knows there’s a reason why
Look up now
Not a cloud in the sky
Ran down to the river
But the river ran dry
Mother Nature: Here. Let me play it for you …
Goldenberg: Thanks for your time today, Mother Nature. Say, would you pass me that joint?
Mother Nature: Heck, no. Last time you bogarted it.